Job Interview

Int Office
RICHARD is interviewing WALTER. They are both american.

RICHARD: So, why do you want this job?

WALTER: I, err, want to explore strange new worlds

RICHARD: Yes

WALTER: Seek out new life and new civilisations

RICHARD: Yes, can I stop you there. That's from Star Trek.

WALTER: I'm sorry, I know. I have pop cultural tourettes syndrome.

(Checks watch)

Uh oh. Fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner.

RICHARD: I see...there seems to be a large gap in your resume. Would you care to explain that.

WALTER: Theorizing that one could time travel in his own lifetime Dr Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum accelerator and..

(Whispers)

..vanished.

RICHARD: (Looking suspicious) I see

(beat)

WALTER: Oh Boy

RICHARD: Let's move on. Do you have a clean driver's licence?

WALTER: (Rocking slightly) I'm an excellent driver. I'm an excellent driver.

RICHARD: (Gives a deep sigh) Can you tell me anything about your ambitions?

WALTER: As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster.

RICHARD: Right!! Well, I think that's everything I need to know. Your name will be added to the shortlist.

WALTER: The list is an absolute good. The list is life. All around its margins lies the gulf.

RICHARD: Uh huh. (beat) well, we'll see you at the next round of interviews but between you and me I think you got it man. I look forward to working with you here on the script team of Family Guy.

To boldly go

Int: Bridge of Spaceship. CAPT GRANT, a human, is speaking to NARNON, a blue hairy alien type; use your imagination. They are both sitting.

CAPT: So, what makes you feel you'd be right as a pilot?

NARNON: I'm a splendid communicator Captain Grant. I'm conversant in 400 languages including text speak and illiterate facebook chav.

CAPT: Oh, really? I could never get my head around it at the academy.

NARNON: It's not that complicated really. You just swap i's for y's and end every sentence with 'innit blud' and you're halfway there.

CAPT: It says here that you were almost part of the Technotronic Galaxial Royal Family.

NARNON: Yes. I was due to marry Princess Mardiothon but I just couldn't go through with it.

CAPT: Why ever not man?! Think of the money, the power, the pan, the van, the Boursin. Besides, I heard technotrons can do strange and wonderful things with their third inmurpredates.

NARNON: (beat) There will be things I'll miss about her but it would never have worked. The whole family support Accrington Stanley.

CAPT: Accrington Stanley? Who are they?

NARNON: A shit football team from the Northwest of England....originally. But now, they are part of the Neo-scouse Religious Soccer league. Games last days. Cars are ceremonially left on bricks and it's frowned upon if you don't chant (in scouse accent) 'Exactly' over and over again. I just couldn't do it anymore.

CAPT: So how did you get out of it then?

NARNON: Oh, I just whistled the tune to Please Release Me until she asked what I was singing. Then I sang her chorus while giving her the finger. I still have bruises on my dwarfinin.

CAPT: So, do you want the job.

NARNON: Don't you need to see any credentials. You've not asked if I can fly the thing yet.

CAPT: Fly? This is Transport for Pluto, Pal. We're on strike till next year. You'll have plenty of time to learn. Welcome aboard comrade.