The Golden Dong

Int: TV Gameshow Studio

GERRY: Welcome back to the Golden Dong, the gameshow where contestants are just forty seven different, perplexingly complicated steps from winning ONE MILLION POUNDS!

(Woops from audience)

GERRY: Before the break, Toby, a pest eradication expert from Taunton, had just bust the Golden Nut after chirpsing The Golden Doris once acquiring the Golden Aftershave. (beat)
Now Toby, are you ready to play for the Golden Rash of Golden Shame?

TOBY: Err, yes I am Gerry

GERRY: OK! Right then, to proceed into the rash matrix you need to answer this simple question: Why don't women like me?

TOBY: Err, you what?

GERRY: Why don't women like me? I mean, I'm not bad looking, if I say so myself, hey. Is it my breath? I get a little paranoid about my breath but I do brush three times a day so it can't be my breath, can it? Is it? I try to be funny and kind and all that. I even watched The Vagina Monologues once although, not my cup of darjeeling if I'm honest. I try I really do. So, what is it? Why don't they like me?

TOBY: I don't know. You're trying too hard maybe.

GERRY: (Consults card) No, I'm sorry, it's because of my puritanical religious beliefs combined with my wandering hands. (beat) I bet it was Linda who did this. That beautiful beautiful angelic filthy WHORE! Anyway, bad luck Toby

Job Interview

Int Office
RICHARD is interviewing WALTER. They are both american.

RICHARD: So, why do you want this job?

WALTER: I, err, want to explore strange new worlds

RICHARD: Yes

WALTER: Seek out new life and new civilisations

RICHARD: Yes, can I stop you there. That's from Star Trek.

WALTER: I'm sorry, I know. I have pop cultural tourettes syndrome.

(Checks watch)

Uh oh. Fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner.

RICHARD: I see...there seems to be a large gap in your resume. Would you care to explain that.

WALTER: Theorizing that one could time travel in his own lifetime Dr Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum accelerator and..

(Whispers)

..vanished.

RICHARD: (Looking suspicious) I see

(beat)

WALTER: Oh Boy

RICHARD: Let's move on. Do you have a clean driver's licence?

WALTER: (Rocking slightly) I'm an excellent driver. I'm an excellent driver.

RICHARD: (Gives a deep sigh) Can you tell me anything about your ambitions?

WALTER: As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster.

RICHARD: Right!! Well, I think that's everything I need to know. Your name will be added to the shortlist.

WALTER: The list is an absolute good. The list is life. All around its margins lies the gulf.

RICHARD: Uh huh. (beat) well, we'll see you at the next round of interviews but between you and me I think you got it man. I look forward to working with you here on the script team of Family Guy.