The Golden Dong

Int: TV Gameshow Studio

GERRY: Welcome back to the Golden Dong, the gameshow where contestants are just forty seven different, perplexingly complicated steps from winning ONE MILLION POUNDS!

(Woops from audience)

GERRY: Before the break, Toby, a pest eradication expert from Taunton, had just bust the Golden Nut after chirpsing The Golden Doris once acquiring the Golden Aftershave. (beat)
Now Toby, are you ready to play for the Golden Rash of Golden Shame?

TOBY: Err, yes I am Gerry

GERRY: OK! Right then, to proceed into the rash matrix you need to answer this simple question: Why don't women like me?

TOBY: Err, you what?

GERRY: Why don't women like me? I mean, I'm not bad looking, if I say so myself, hey. Is it my breath? I get a little paranoid about my breath but I do brush three times a day so it can't be my breath, can it? Is it? I try to be funny and kind and all that. I even watched The Vagina Monologues once although, not my cup of darjeeling if I'm honest. I try I really do. So, what is it? Why don't they like me?

TOBY: I don't know. You're trying too hard maybe.

GERRY: (Consults card) No, I'm sorry, it's because of my puritanical religious beliefs combined with my wandering hands. (beat) I bet it was Linda who did this. That beautiful beautiful angelic filthy WHORE! Anyway, bad luck Toby