Int: Bridge of Spaceship. CAPT GRANT, a human, is speaking to NARNON, a
blue hairy alien type; use your imagination. They are both sitting.
CAPT: So, what makes you feel you'd be right as a pilot?
NARNON: I'm a splendid communicator Captain Grant. I'm conversant in 400
languages including text speak and illiterate facebook chav.
CAPT: Oh, really? I could never get my head around it at the academy.
NARNON: It's not that complicated really. You just swap i's for y's and
end every sentence with 'innit blud' and you're halfway there.
CAPT: It says here that you were almost part of the Technotronic Galaxial Royal Family.
NARNON: Yes. I was due to marry Princess Mardiothon but I just couldn't go through with it.
CAPT: Why ever not man?! Think of the money, the power, the pan, the
van, the Boursin. Besides, I heard technotrons can do strange and
wonderful things with their third inmurpredates.
NARNON: (beat) There will be things I'll miss about her but it would
never have worked. The whole family support Accrington Stanley.
CAPT: Accrington Stanley? Who are they?
NARNON: A shit football team from the Northwest of
England....originally. But now, they are part of the Neo-scouse
Religious Soccer league. Games last days. Cars are ceremonially left on
bricks and it's frowned upon if you don't chant (in scouse accent)
'Exactly' over and over again. I just couldn't do it anymore.
CAPT: So how did you get out of it then?
NARNON: Oh, I just whistled the tune to Please Release Me until she
asked what I was singing. Then I sang her chorus while giving her the
finger. I still have bruises on my dwarfinin.
CAPT: So, do you want the job.
NARNON: Don't you need to see any credentials. You've not asked if I can fly the thing yet.
CAPT: Fly? This is Transport for Pluto, Pal. We're on strike till next
year. You'll have plenty of time to learn. Welcome aboard comrade.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
The warehouse sketch
INT: Warehouse. Dave is mid 50s, Rupert is early 20s, student looking.
DAVE: Is it you n me stackin' these pallets then?
RUPERT: Looks that way, yeah.
DAVE: I'm DAVE by the way, mate.
RUPERT: RUPERT
(DAVE looks digusted and confused)
DAVE: Err
RUPERT: I'm RUPERT
(Dave looks more confused)
DAVE: Ruth?
RUPERT: No, Ru..pert. You know, like Rupert the Bear.
DAVE: OH! Reaper.
RUPERT: No, Rupert. Rooooo Perttttt. But call me Rupe if you like.
DAVE: Oh! I get it. Of course. Sorry.
RUPERT: No worries.
DAVE: Right, shall we get on. Anyway, did you see the news? Blacks, pakis, immigrants, taking our jobs, Diana? Never a goal, offside, blacks, indians, shouldn't be allowed, the war, blacks, pakis.....
Fade to black
CAPTION READS 'THREE HOURS LATER'
Fade in
DAVE: Immigrants, shouldn't be allowed, taking our jobs, pakis.
RUPERT: Uh huh.
Bell rings.
DAVE: Right, that's break time.
INT: Break room, crowded with people drinking tea
DAVE: Hey guys, this is Reece.
RUPERT: err. Hi Everyone, I'm Reece. Pleased to meet you.
DAVE: Is it you n me stackin' these pallets then?
RUPERT: Looks that way, yeah.
DAVE: I'm DAVE by the way, mate.
RUPERT: RUPERT
(DAVE looks digusted and confused)
DAVE: Err
RUPERT: I'm RUPERT
(Dave looks more confused)
DAVE: Ruth?
RUPERT: No, Ru..pert. You know, like Rupert the Bear.
DAVE: OH! Reaper.
RUPERT: No, Rupert. Rooooo Perttttt. But call me Rupe if you like.
DAVE: Oh! I get it. Of course. Sorry.
RUPERT: No worries.
DAVE: Right, shall we get on. Anyway, did you see the news? Blacks, pakis, immigrants, taking our jobs, Diana? Never a goal, offside, blacks, indians, shouldn't be allowed, the war, blacks, pakis.....
Fade to black
CAPTION READS 'THREE HOURS LATER'
Fade in
DAVE: Immigrants, shouldn't be allowed, taking our jobs, pakis.
RUPERT: Uh huh.
Bell rings.
DAVE: Right, that's break time.
INT: Break room, crowded with people drinking tea
DAVE: Hey guys, this is Reece.
RUPERT: err. Hi Everyone, I'm Reece. Pleased to meet you.
The third group game sketch
FX: Crowd noise
Commentator: Not much has happened in this Euro 2012 match so far as we near half-time. TWO TIMING LOVE RAT picks it up near halfway. He passes to FREQUENTER OF AGING PROSTITUTES who quickly returns it. There doesn't seem to be anyway through and yes, I'm afraid it's going all the way back to SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY BUT THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT WELSH CHAPPY; HE'S PROBABLY THE NEXT FRITZL.
Out on the sidelines BORING SPEECH IMPEDIMENT BUT DEFO NOT A TAX EVADER seems to be giving out some hurried instructions.
The goalie rolls it out to RACIST FRIEND CUCKOLDER who offloads it to DRUNKEN ASSAULTER. He turns, knocks it into FREQUENTER OF AGING PROSTITUTES who knocks a superb ball down the line to HORRENDOUS DIVING CHEAT. Oh, that's a lovely piece of skill to beat his man to the byline and he whips in a good cross and (beat) SHAMEFULLY OVERPRICED WIFEBEATER is there! but no, he holds it up and plays in AGING PROSITUTES (beat) AGING PROSITUTES scores!!
Oh! Doesn't it make you proud to be English?!
That's right on the stroke of half-time too. Game on. Now back to the studio where JUNKFOOD PEDDLING CRADLE SNATCHER is talking to NORTHERN MORON and BLATENT CLOSET CASE.
end.
Commentator: Not much has happened in this Euro 2012 match so far as we near half-time. TWO TIMING LOVE RAT picks it up near halfway. He passes to FREQUENTER OF AGING PROSTITUTES who quickly returns it. There doesn't seem to be anyway through and yes, I'm afraid it's going all the way back to SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY BUT THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT WELSH CHAPPY; HE'S PROBABLY THE NEXT FRITZL.
Out on the sidelines BORING SPEECH IMPEDIMENT BUT DEFO NOT A TAX EVADER seems to be giving out some hurried instructions.
The goalie rolls it out to RACIST FRIEND CUCKOLDER who offloads it to DRUNKEN ASSAULTER. He turns, knocks it into FREQUENTER OF AGING PROSTITUTES who knocks a superb ball down the line to HORRENDOUS DIVING CHEAT. Oh, that's a lovely piece of skill to beat his man to the byline and he whips in a good cross and (beat) SHAMEFULLY OVERPRICED WIFEBEATER is there! but no, he holds it up and plays in AGING PROSITUTES (beat) AGING PROSITUTES scores!!
Oh! Doesn't it make you proud to be English?!
That's right on the stroke of half-time too. Game on. Now back to the studio where JUNKFOOD PEDDLING CRADLE SNATCHER is talking to NORTHERN MORON and BLATENT CLOSET CASE.
end.
Va Va Voom sketch
FX: Birdsong, sound of crickets and cicadas
FX: The sound of a car pulling up on gravel, a car door opens and closes
Hunt: Papa?
Older Frenchman: Nicole!
Hunt: Papa?
Older Frenchman: Nicole!
Leveson: (lots of reverb)
Mr Hunt?
(Beat)
(Clearer)
Mr Hunt?
Hunt: Huh? Where? Ah, yes Lord Leveson. I, er, don't know where I was just now? What were you saying?
FX: The sound of a car pulling up on gravel, a car door opens and closes
Hunt: Papa?
Older Frenchman: Nicole!
Hunt: Papa?
Older Frenchman: Nicole!
Leveson: (lots of reverb)
Mr Hunt?
(Beat)
(Clearer)
Mr Hunt?
Hunt: Huh? Where? Ah, yes Lord Leveson. I, er, don't know where I was just now? What were you saying?
Goodbye Mr Fry sketch
INT: 1950s Classroom, Black and white film
An elderly teacher walks in. We see two pupils, PERCIVAL and GATSBY
PERCIVAL: Hello Mr Fry!
GATSBY: Hello Mr Fry!
Mr Fry looks sad
MR FRY: Oh Hello boys
GATSBY: Are you ok sir?
MR FRY: Oh, oh yes my dear dear boy. It is marvellous to see you all.
GATSBY (TO PERCIVAL): I say, Mr Fry doesn't jolly well look happy at all. What could the matter be?
PERCIVAL (TO GATSBY): Oh, it's probably that he misses his wife, Gatsby. I've heard the other teachers mention it.
GATSBY: Sir! Are you sad about your wife?
MR FRY: Oh, no no boys, you don't want to hear any rot about that. Bally silly if you ask me.
GATSBY: But sir, anything we can do to help
PERCIVAL: Yes, sir
MR FRY: Oh, alright. My dear wife was the most amazing person. Could suck a golf ball through a hosepipe. We met through an advert she placed on one of those anonymous online dating sites. 'BBW MILF seeks MMF action'
(Smiles and looks into distance)
I'll always remember that. She was looking to get DP'd and film it to fund her crack and heroin habit.
We were married at once and for weeks and months we were happy, cruising the Basingstoke swingers scene. Oh boys, my boys, you're too young to know yet that life can start so hopefully, and so full of joy but before you know it you're in a darkened room with a gimp suit, a strap on and a pregnant dwarf. You can still Google it I think
GATSBY: Oh, sir. I'm so sorry.
MR FRY: Oh, my boy, my dear boy. Don't worry. She left me for the dwarf and they live in Norwich. They had a son. He went up to Cambridge, you know. Fine fellow. And I...I have my boys, my wonderful boys and my alcoholism and my pornography. I shall be just splendid.
And enough of this rot, turn your textbooks to page 77, quicksmart.
An elderly teacher walks in. We see two pupils, PERCIVAL and GATSBY
PERCIVAL: Hello Mr Fry!
GATSBY: Hello Mr Fry!
Mr Fry looks sad
MR FRY: Oh Hello boys
GATSBY: Are you ok sir?
MR FRY: Oh, oh yes my dear dear boy. It is marvellous to see you all.
GATSBY (TO PERCIVAL): I say, Mr Fry doesn't jolly well look happy at all. What could the matter be?
PERCIVAL (TO GATSBY): Oh, it's probably that he misses his wife, Gatsby. I've heard the other teachers mention it.
GATSBY: Sir! Are you sad about your wife?
MR FRY: Oh, no no boys, you don't want to hear any rot about that. Bally silly if you ask me.
GATSBY: But sir, anything we can do to help
PERCIVAL: Yes, sir
MR FRY: Oh, alright. My dear wife was the most amazing person. Could suck a golf ball through a hosepipe. We met through an advert she placed on one of those anonymous online dating sites. 'BBW MILF seeks MMF action'
(Smiles and looks into distance)
I'll always remember that. She was looking to get DP'd and film it to fund her crack and heroin habit.
We were married at once and for weeks and months we were happy, cruising the Basingstoke swingers scene. Oh boys, my boys, you're too young to know yet that life can start so hopefully, and so full of joy but before you know it you're in a darkened room with a gimp suit, a strap on and a pregnant dwarf. You can still Google it I think
GATSBY: Oh, sir. I'm so sorry.
MR FRY: Oh, my boy, my dear boy. Don't worry. She left me for the dwarf and they live in Norwich. They had a son. He went up to Cambridge, you know. Fine fellow. And I...I have my boys, my wonderful boys and my alcoholism and my pornography. I shall be just splendid.
And enough of this rot, turn your textbooks to page 77, quicksmart.
PMT Sketch
INT: Bedroom
Close up of an horrendous looking HELL-BEAST with salivating mandibles and red eyes
Camera pulls out slowly to a shot that frames the bed and the door to the left of it whilst
FX: sickening growling sound in time with HELL-BEAST's breathing
We see HELL-BEAST is sat up in bed wearing a tattered pink pyjama top. It's a double bed and HELL-BEAST is in the bed on the side furthest from the door.
HELL-BEAST: (in a woman's voice)
Dave! Are you bringing that hotwater bottle?
DAVE: (from outside the room)
Yeah, just doing it. Was waiting for the kettle to boil.
HELL-BEAST: Have you burped it?
DAVE: Sorry, love, what did you say?
HELL-BEAST: HAVE YOU BURPED IT? I LIKE IT BURPED.
DAVE: (Evenly)
I know, I'm just doing it, won't be a sec
Enter Dave in pyjama bottoms carrying hotwater bottle
DAVE: Here you go love. Was just switching off in there.
Dave hands over hotwater bottle and gets into bed. The both get settled. From the bumps in the covers we see DAVE extend a leg over and rub down HELL-BEAST's lower leg and foot.
HELL-BEAST: Dave, f**king seriously?
DAVE: (beat) Sorry, sorry.
End.
Close up of an horrendous looking HELL-BEAST with salivating mandibles and red eyes
Camera pulls out slowly to a shot that frames the bed and the door to the left of it whilst
FX: sickening growling sound in time with HELL-BEAST's breathing
We see HELL-BEAST is sat up in bed wearing a tattered pink pyjama top. It's a double bed and HELL-BEAST is in the bed on the side furthest from the door.
HELL-BEAST: (in a woman's voice)
Dave! Are you bringing that hotwater bottle?
DAVE: (from outside the room)
Yeah, just doing it. Was waiting for the kettle to boil.
HELL-BEAST: Have you burped it?
DAVE: Sorry, love, what did you say?
HELL-BEAST: HAVE YOU BURPED IT? I LIKE IT BURPED.
DAVE: (Evenly)
I know, I'm just doing it, won't be a sec
Enter Dave in pyjama bottoms carrying hotwater bottle
DAVE: Here you go love. Was just switching off in there.
Dave hands over hotwater bottle and gets into bed. The both get settled. From the bumps in the covers we see DAVE extend a leg over and rub down HELL-BEAST's lower leg and foot.
HELL-BEAST: Dave, f**king seriously?
DAVE: (beat) Sorry, sorry.
End.
Plane Sketch
INT: The Cabin of a commercial plane
STEWARD A is standing at the head of the left hand aisle. STEWARDESS B is at the head of the right hand aisle.
Announcer's voice comes over the tannoy
ANNOUNCER: On behalf of Cheapskate Airlines we welcome you, ladies and gentleman, to todays flight from Winchester (beat) International Airport
FX: (From outside plane) A cow moos
ANNOUNCER Cont: To Tenerife
Please note, in the event of loss of cabin pressure a mask will drop from the ceiling in front of you. Place the mask over the mouth and nose like this
STEWARD A and STEWARDESS B are miming fitting the mask
Announcer cont: and then place a two pound coin in the slot provided to switch on the oxygen. Please note that the machine only accepts correct change. One of the cabin crew would be delighted to provide change for a mere two pound surcharge. Please ensure that you pay for your own oxygen before paying for that of children or other loved ones. Please note sharing is prohibited. The machine can tell and will cut off your oxygen.
In the unlikely event that we make an emergency landing on water, please note that life-jackets are available to buy from the cabin crew. They are currently priced at 9.99. Buy now to avoid disappointment. To be honest, if we have to land on water, the chances of us surviving are fairly slim, especially with this Captain, so perhaps you'd prefer to put that 9.99 towards one of our ham and egg sandwiches.
Please note that we do not give credit and we do accept sexual favours. Or at least Dave does. Don't you Dave?
Steward A smiles.
STEWARD A is standing at the head of the left hand aisle. STEWARDESS B is at the head of the right hand aisle.
Announcer's voice comes over the tannoy
ANNOUNCER: On behalf of Cheapskate Airlines we welcome you, ladies and gentleman, to todays flight from Winchester (beat) International Airport
FX: (From outside plane) A cow moos
ANNOUNCER Cont: To Tenerife
Please note, in the event of loss of cabin pressure a mask will drop from the ceiling in front of you. Place the mask over the mouth and nose like this
STEWARD A and STEWARDESS B are miming fitting the mask
Announcer cont: and then place a two pound coin in the slot provided to switch on the oxygen. Please note that the machine only accepts correct change. One of the cabin crew would be delighted to provide change for a mere two pound surcharge. Please ensure that you pay for your own oxygen before paying for that of children or other loved ones. Please note sharing is prohibited. The machine can tell and will cut off your oxygen.
In the unlikely event that we make an emergency landing on water, please note that life-jackets are available to buy from the cabin crew. They are currently priced at 9.99. Buy now to avoid disappointment. To be honest, if we have to land on water, the chances of us surviving are fairly slim, especially with this Captain, so perhaps you'd prefer to put that 9.99 towards one of our ham and egg sandwiches.
Please note that we do not give credit and we do accept sexual favours. Or at least Dave does. Don't you Dave?
Steward A smiles.
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