Thursday, July 18, 2013

Be Pretty

Be pretty 
Be good to the cat when i die 
For you may not know that i used to lie 
In that place in the sun he loves so much 
When the house was silent and free of mockery 
I used to lie there and plot and scheme 
Till one of us should fall 
It must be me or reading this will mean nothing 
It must be me but know that 
When you lie in that place in the sun 
I will be the sun's fingers 
Caressing your neck 
And your blushing cheeks  

Monday, October 8, 2012

Dirty movie

Ext: A windswept, raining, grotty looking city street
The camera spots and follows a man dressed in a dark raincoat and baseball cap as he moves furtively up the street. He reaches an entrance to an old style movie theatre and goes inside

Int: A darkened cinema room
Our figure enters and the light momentarily shows a screen of similarly perverted-looking men simulating naughty acts alone and in pairs and groups
Our figure wanders down the aisle, find a seat and slips down low into it.
The camera pans towards the screen to display the title of the movie 'The Jimmy Savile Story'

The crowd: (in a perverted way) Yeahhhhh

The Screen: 'A BBC Production'

The Crowd: Oh for f**ks sake

Camera pans away

Savile: Uh UH UH etc Howsaabout that then boys and girls?


Sunday, September 16, 2012


INT: A Room
Three men of equal height stand facing the camera

LEFTIE: I'm middle class. I look down on him but up..

MIDDLE-IE: No, no, sorry. I'm middle class. You're upper class.

LEFTIE: I am not. I'm middleclass.

RIGHTIE: and me!

MIDDLE-IE: (To LEFTIE) You are not! You live in South Ken, you've a country pile out in Sussex somewhere, you play polo for f**k's sake!

LEFTIE: Ah! But I watch X-Factor....and the footie. Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Anton Ferdinand, I ask you.

MIDDLE-IE: What the f**k are you on about? And you! (Turning to RIGHTIE) You were on Jeremy Kyle, you're on jobseekers, the CSA are after you for payments

RIGHTIE: Yeah but I've got a conservatory, a cardigan and I love those little triangular sandwiches, innit?

MIDDLE-IE: I...What?! What's that got to do with anything?! I can't work like this!

(MIDDLE-IE storms off)

RIGHTIE: Fancy a pint geez?

LEFTIE: Spiffing

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The Golden Dong

Int: TV Gameshow Studio

GERRY: Welcome back to the Golden Dong, the gameshow where contestants are just forty seven different, perplexingly complicated steps from winning ONE MILLION POUNDS!

(Woops from audience)

GERRY: Before the break, Toby, a pest eradication expert from Taunton, had just bust the Golden Nut after chirpsing The Golden Doris once acquiring the Golden Aftershave. (beat)
Now Toby, are you ready to play for the Golden Rash of Golden Shame?

TOBY: Err, yes I am Gerry

GERRY: OK! Right then, to proceed into the rash matrix you need to answer this simple question: Why don't women like me?

TOBY: Err, you what?

GERRY: Why don't women like me? I mean, I'm not bad looking, if I say so myself, hey. Is it my breath? I get a little paranoid about my breath but I do brush three times a day so it can't be my breath, can it? Is it? I try to be funny and kind and all that. I even watched The Vagina Monologues once although, not my cup of darjeeling if I'm honest. I try I really do. So, what is it? Why don't they like me?

TOBY: I don't know. You're trying too hard maybe.

GERRY: (Consults card) No, I'm sorry, it's because of my puritanical religious beliefs combined with my wandering hands. (beat) I bet it was Linda who did this. That beautiful beautiful angelic filthy WHORE! Anyway, bad luck Toby

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Arnold's Gardening Services

Ext: A Garden.  ARNOLD (dressed in gardening clothes) is speaking to Mr LAWRENCE (an old and deviant looking man)

ARNOLD: Hello Mr Lawrence!  We spoke on the phone.  I'm Arnold.  I've come to talk about doing your gardening for you.

MR LAWRENCE:  Hello!  I'm afraid you'll have to forgive me but i don't trust you.  You'll have to answer some devilish questions before i'll consent to give you my custom m'laddo.

ARNOLD:  Ri...

MR LAWRENCE:  (pointing)  What's that?!

ARNOLD:  Oh, that's Lavender.  Likes it quite dry and not too rich.

MR LAWRENCE:   (pointing)  Oh.  What's that?!

ARNOLD: Camelia.  Blooms in early spring.  Dead head it and it'll bloom more vigourously next season.

MR LAWRENCE:  (pointing) Oh.  What's that?!

ARNOLD:  What?

MR LAWRENCE:  That, there.

ARNOLD:  Where?  Behind my van?
MR LAWRENCE:  So, you know it's name.

ARNOLD:  My van?

MR LAWRENCE:  Yes, and??

ARNOLD:   (beat)  It likes diesel.  Is full of tools.  Occasionally a bit tricksy to start on cold mornings.  Does this weird thing with the electric windows sometimes.

MR LAWRENCE:  (Pointing)  Oh.  What's that?!

ARNOLD:  That appears to be a life size cardboard cut out of BBC Sports presenter Hazel Irvine.


ARNOLD:  While equally adept in football, rugby, athletics or show jumping, Hazel really thrives on snooker and i suspect is getting a portion off John Virgo.

MR LAWRENCE:  My Hazel?  With that big brute from Big Break?  Never!  Never I say!

(He composes himself)

Well, everything appears to be in order.  Can you start on Wednesday?


Friday, August 10, 2012

Morse: The Early Years

Voice-over: And now on ITV3, back to the concluding part of Morse: The early years

Int Police Station Cell-block. Decor and cut of uniforms gives off a late 70s feel. MORSE is in a Seargents Uniform, LEWIS is in a PC's uniform

LEWIS: (in Newcastle accent) So, Seargent Morse, divent ye nar n allreet n all that pet, like. So, Lady Caroline is dead. Sir Charles is in a coma. Baronness Aldershot has an alibi and even Sir Nigel, the self-made millionaire industrialist with a chip on his shoulder, is in the clear. I just don't understand it, like. It looks like someone is going to get away with murder. Ya canna believe it man. This is the seventies, like!

MORSE: The seventies? (Beat) My God, Lewis, I've been so stupid!

Cut to: A police Mini Metro gunning down the street. A squeal of tires and it skids to a halt.

Cut to: Int Police Interview room. A wide eyed, scared looking black man with bruises on his face is in the background as MORSE and INSPECTOR are talking as they leave the room and enter the corridor, Camera follows them.

INSPECTOR: So Morse, you're telling me this Jamaican man who, judging by the ticket stubs in his pocket, was in London at the time of the murder, is in fact the murderer.

MORSE: He confessed sir!

INSPECTOR: Oh right, let's all go and get pissed then.

INSPECTOR walks back in to interview room.

INSPECTOR: (from off screen)I say, MORSE, this man has broken fingers and he appears to have(beat) shat himself.

MORSE: (looking sheepish) Yes, sir.

INSPECTOR walks back into corridor

INSPECTOR: I say, bloody good policing. You'll go far MORSE, you'll go far. Just, one thing puzzles me. Why a jamaican?

LEWIS: Cos we couldn't find an Irishman.

ALL three laugh heartily.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Job Interview

Int Office
RICHARD is interviewing WALTER. They are both american.

RICHARD: So, why do you want this job?

WALTER: I, err, want to explore strange new worlds


WALTER: Seek out new life and new civilisations

RICHARD: Yes, can I stop you there. That's from Star Trek.

WALTER: I'm sorry, I know. I have pop cultural tourettes syndrome.

(Checks watch)

Uh oh. Fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner.

RICHARD: I see...there seems to be a large gap in your resume. Would you care to explain that.

WALTER: Theorizing that one could time travel in his own lifetime Dr Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum accelerator and..



RICHARD: (Looking suspicious) I see



RICHARD: Let's move on. Do you have a clean driver's licence?

WALTER: (Rocking slightly) I'm an excellent driver. I'm an excellent driver.

RICHARD: (Gives a deep sigh) Can you tell me anything about your ambitions?

WALTER: As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster.

RICHARD: Right!! Well, I think that's everything I need to know. Your name will be added to the shortlist.

WALTER: The list is an absolute good. The list is life. All around its margins lies the gulf.

RICHARD: Uh huh. (beat) well, we'll see you at the next round of interviews but between you and me I think you got it man. I look forward to working with you here on the script team of Family Guy.