Plane Sketch

INT: The Cabin of a commercial plane

STEWARD A is standing at the head of the left hand aisle. STEWARDESS B is at the head of the right hand aisle.

Announcer's voice comes over the tannoy

ANNOUNCER: On behalf of Cheapskate Airlines we welcome you, ladies and gentleman, to todays flight from Winchester (beat) International Airport

FX: (From outside plane) A cow moos

ANNOUNCER Cont: To Tenerife
Please note, in the event of loss of cabin pressure a mask will drop from the ceiling in front of you. Place the mask over the mouth and nose like this

STEWARD A and STEWARDESS B are miming fitting the mask

Announcer cont: and then place a two pound coin in the slot provided to switch on the oxygen. Please note that the machine only accepts correct change. One of the cabin crew would be delighted to provide change for a mere two pound surcharge. Please ensure that you pay for your own oxygen before paying for that of children or other loved ones. Please note sharing is prohibited. The machine can tell and will cut off your oxygen.

In the unlikely event that we make an emergency landing on water, please note that life-jackets are available to buy from the cabin crew. They are currently priced at 9.99. Buy now to avoid disappointment. To be honest, if we have to land on water, the chances of us surviving are fairly slim, especially with this Captain, so perhaps you'd prefer to put that 9.99 towards one of our ham and egg sandwiches.
Please note that we do not give credit and we do accept sexual favours. Or at least Dave does. Don't you Dave?

Steward A smiles.