Ext: A Garden. ARNOLD (dressed in gardening clothes) is speaking to Mr LAWRENCE (an old and deviant looking man)
ARNOLD: Hello Mr Lawrence! We spoke on the phone. I'm Arnold. I've come to talk about doing your gardening for you.
MR LAWRENCE: Hello! I'm afraid you'll have to forgive me but i don't trust you. You'll have to answer some devilish questions before i'll consent to give you my custom m'laddo.
ARNOLD: Ri...
MR LAWRENCE: (pointing) What's that?!
ARNOLD: Oh, that's Lavender. Likes it quite dry and not too rich.
MR LAWRENCE: (pointing) Oh. What's that?!
ARNOLD: Camelia. Blooms in early spring. Dead head it and it'll bloom more vigourously next season.
MR LAWRENCE: (pointing) Oh. What's that?!
ARNOLD: What?
MR LAWRENCE: That, there.
ARNOLD: Where? Behind my van?
MR LAWRENCE: So, you know it's name.
ARNOLD: My van?
MR LAWRENCE: Yes, and??
ARNOLD: (beat) It likes diesel. Is full of tools. Occasionally a bit tricksy to start on cold mornings. Does this weird thing with the electric windows sometimes.
MR LAWRENCE: (Pointing) Oh. What's that?!
ARNOLD: That appears to be a life size cardboard cut out of BBC Sports presenter Hazel Irvine.
MR LAWRENCE: Yes?
ARNOLD: While equally adept in football, rugby, athletics or show jumping, Hazel really thrives on snooker and i suspect is getting a portion off John Virgo.
MR LAWRENCE: My Hazel? With that big brute from Big Break? Never! Never I say!
(He composes himself)
Well, everything appears to be in order. Can you start on Wednesday?
ARNOLD: No.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Friday, August 10, 2012
Morse: The Early Years
Voice-over: And now on ITV3, back to the concluding part of Morse: The early years
Int Police Station Cell-block. Decor and cut of uniforms gives off a late 70s feel. MORSE is in a Seargents Uniform, LEWIS is in a PC's uniform
LEWIS: (in Newcastle accent) So, Seargent Morse, divent ye nar n allreet n all that pet, like. So, Lady Caroline is dead. Sir Charles is in a coma. Baronness Aldershot has an alibi and even Sir Nigel, the self-made millionaire industrialist with a chip on his shoulder, is in the clear. I just don't understand it, like. It looks like someone is going to get away with murder. Ya canna believe it man. This is the seventies, like!
MORSE: The seventies? (Beat) My God, Lewis, I've been so stupid!
Cut to: A police Mini Metro gunning down the street. A squeal of tires and it skids to a halt.
Cut to: Int Police Interview room. A wide eyed, scared looking black man with bruises on his face is in the background as MORSE and INSPECTOR are talking as they leave the room and enter the corridor, Camera follows them.
INSPECTOR: So Morse, you're telling me this Jamaican man who, judging by the ticket stubs in his pocket, was in London at the time of the murder, is in fact the murderer.
MORSE: He confessed sir!
INSPECTOR: Oh right, let's all go and get pissed then.
INSPECTOR walks back in to interview room.
INSPECTOR: (from off screen)I say, MORSE, this man has broken fingers and he appears to have(beat) shat himself.
MORSE: (looking sheepish) Yes, sir.
INSPECTOR walks back into corridor
INSPECTOR: I say, bloody good policing. You'll go far MORSE, you'll go far. Just, one thing puzzles me. Why a jamaican?
LEWIS: Cos we couldn't find an Irishman.
ALL three laugh heartily.
Int Police Station Cell-block. Decor and cut of uniforms gives off a late 70s feel. MORSE is in a Seargents Uniform, LEWIS is in a PC's uniform
LEWIS: (in Newcastle accent) So, Seargent Morse, divent ye nar n allreet n all that pet, like. So, Lady Caroline is dead. Sir Charles is in a coma. Baronness Aldershot has an alibi and even Sir Nigel, the self-made millionaire industrialist with a chip on his shoulder, is in the clear. I just don't understand it, like. It looks like someone is going to get away with murder. Ya canna believe it man. This is the seventies, like!
MORSE: The seventies? (Beat) My God, Lewis, I've been so stupid!
Cut to: A police Mini Metro gunning down the street. A squeal of tires and it skids to a halt.
Cut to: Int Police Interview room. A wide eyed, scared looking black man with bruises on his face is in the background as MORSE and INSPECTOR are talking as they leave the room and enter the corridor, Camera follows them.
INSPECTOR: So Morse, you're telling me this Jamaican man who, judging by the ticket stubs in his pocket, was in London at the time of the murder, is in fact the murderer.
MORSE: He confessed sir!
INSPECTOR: Oh right, let's all go and get pissed then.
INSPECTOR walks back in to interview room.
INSPECTOR: (from off screen)I say, MORSE, this man has broken fingers and he appears to have(beat) shat himself.
MORSE: (looking sheepish) Yes, sir.
INSPECTOR walks back into corridor
INSPECTOR: I say, bloody good policing. You'll go far MORSE, you'll go far. Just, one thing puzzles me. Why a jamaican?
LEWIS: Cos we couldn't find an Irishman.
ALL three laugh heartily.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Job Interview
Int Office
RICHARD is interviewing WALTER. They are both american.
RICHARD: So, why do you want this job?
WALTER: I, err, want to explore strange new worlds
RICHARD: Yes
WALTER: Seek out new life and new civilisations
RICHARD: Yes, can I stop you there. That's from Star Trek.
WALTER: I'm sorry, I know. I have pop cultural tourettes syndrome.
(Checks watch)
Uh oh. Fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner.
RICHARD: I see...there seems to be a large gap in your resume. Would you care to explain that.
WALTER: Theorizing that one could time travel in his own lifetime Dr Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum accelerator and..
(Whispers)
..vanished.
RICHARD: (Looking suspicious) I see
(beat)
WALTER: Oh Boy
RICHARD: Let's move on. Do you have a clean driver's licence?
WALTER: (Rocking slightly) I'm an excellent driver. I'm an excellent driver.
RICHARD: (Gives a deep sigh) Can you tell me anything about your ambitions?
WALTER: As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster.
RICHARD: Right!! Well, I think that's everything I need to know. Your name will be added to the shortlist.
WALTER: The list is an absolute good. The list is life. All around its margins lies the gulf.
RICHARD: Uh huh. (beat) well, we'll see you at the next round of interviews but between you and me I think you got it man. I look forward to working with you here on the script team of Family Guy.
RICHARD is interviewing WALTER. They are both american.
RICHARD: So, why do you want this job?
WALTER: I, err, want to explore strange new worlds
RICHARD: Yes
WALTER: Seek out new life and new civilisations
RICHARD: Yes, can I stop you there. That's from Star Trek.
WALTER: I'm sorry, I know. I have pop cultural tourettes syndrome.
(Checks watch)
Uh oh. Fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner.
RICHARD: I see...there seems to be a large gap in your resume. Would you care to explain that.
WALTER: Theorizing that one could time travel in his own lifetime Dr Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum accelerator and..
(Whispers)
..vanished.
RICHARD: (Looking suspicious) I see
(beat)
WALTER: Oh Boy
RICHARD: Let's move on. Do you have a clean driver's licence?
WALTER: (Rocking slightly) I'm an excellent driver. I'm an excellent driver.
RICHARD: (Gives a deep sigh) Can you tell me anything about your ambitions?
WALTER: As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster.
RICHARD: Right!! Well, I think that's everything I need to know. Your name will be added to the shortlist.
WALTER: The list is an absolute good. The list is life. All around its margins lies the gulf.
RICHARD: Uh huh. (beat) well, we'll see you at the next round of interviews but between you and me I think you got it man. I look forward to working with you here on the script team of Family Guy.
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