Sunday, September 16, 2012

Class

INT: A Room
Three men of equal height stand facing the camera

LEFTIE: I'm middle class. I look down on him but up..

MIDDLE-IE: No, no, sorry. I'm middle class. You're upper class.

LEFTIE: I am not. I'm middleclass.

RIGHTIE: and me!

MIDDLE-IE: (To LEFTIE) You are not! You live in South Ken, you've a country pile out in Sussex somewhere, you play polo for f**k's sake!

LEFTIE: Ah! But I watch X-Factor....and the footie. Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Anton Ferdinand, I ask you.

MIDDLE-IE: What the f**k are you on about? And you! (Turning to RIGHTIE) You were on Jeremy Kyle, you're on jobseekers, the CSA are after you for payments

RIGHTIE: Yeah but I've got a conservatory, a cardigan and I love those little triangular sandwiches, innit?

MIDDLE-IE: I...What?! What's that got to do with anything?! I can't work like this!

(MIDDLE-IE storms off)

RIGHTIE: Fancy a pint geez?

LEFTIE: Spiffing

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The Golden Dong

Int: TV Gameshow Studio

GERRY: Welcome back to the Golden Dong, the gameshow where contestants are just forty seven different, perplexingly complicated steps from winning ONE MILLION POUNDS!

(Woops from audience)

GERRY: Before the break, Toby, a pest eradication expert from Taunton, had just bust the Golden Nut after chirpsing The Golden Doris once acquiring the Golden Aftershave. (beat)
Now Toby, are you ready to play for the Golden Rash of Golden Shame?

TOBY: Err, yes I am Gerry

GERRY: OK! Right then, to proceed into the rash matrix you need to answer this simple question: Why don't women like me?

TOBY: Err, you what?

GERRY: Why don't women like me? I mean, I'm not bad looking, if I say so myself, hey. Is it my breath? I get a little paranoid about my breath but I do brush three times a day so it can't be my breath, can it? Is it? I try to be funny and kind and all that. I even watched The Vagina Monologues once although, not my cup of darjeeling if I'm honest. I try I really do. So, what is it? Why don't they like me?

TOBY: I don't know. You're trying too hard maybe.

GERRY: (Consults card) No, I'm sorry, it's because of my puritanical religious beliefs combined with my wandering hands. (beat) I bet it was Linda who did this. That beautiful beautiful angelic filthy WHORE! Anyway, bad luck Toby